Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
