Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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