hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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