i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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