I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
this just has baby written all over it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
