your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
