i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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