My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize