wrigley field is MILF paradise
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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