You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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