We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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