What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
