i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
3 2 1 whiskey
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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