Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize