I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
