You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
