Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
