theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
