If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I have aggressive nipples.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
