Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
