the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
