The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
