mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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