My hand turned me down
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
