So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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