Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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