apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Randomize
