when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
