Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
