It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Randomize
