Your mouth is God's brothel.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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