You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
