just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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