yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
