Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
