It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
