and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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