we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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