Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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