i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
