Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
