My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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