Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
