i permit you to call me
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
