You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize