I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
