It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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