i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
