we're blogging at a bar
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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