You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
are you so shy because you have an std?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
