is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
