Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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