genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
