I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
