Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
