so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
did i just pee glitter
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
