Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
