You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
